


The Ballad of Mrs. Rotwood

by afrai



Category: Bleach
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-27
Updated: 2007-11-27
Packaged: 2017-10-03 01:41:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afrai/pseuds/afrai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hisana has been very ill. A poem.</p><p><strong>WARNING:</strong> contains Roald Dahl-ish descriptions of humorous violence. I think they're pretty mild, but proceed with caution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballad of Mrs. Rotwood

**Author's Note:**

> So I was rooting through my old worx folder when I stumbled over this. For a while I gazed at it in wild surmise, wondering why on earth I had written it, but then I realised of course I must have been inspired by Aido's pictures of Byakuya in the style of Edward Gorey:  
> [Dapper Mr. Rotwood 1](http://eouen.deviantart.com/art/Dapper-Mr-Rotwood-1-43466656)  
> [Dapper Mr. Rotwood 2](http://eouen.deviantart.com/art/Dapper-Mr-Rotwood-2-43466758)

Hisana has been very ill:  
Though she this morning ate her fill.

Byakuya said: "I can't permit  
The coffee to be mixed with grit  
Or arsenic, or cyanide  
Or anything she can't abide,  
Which causes her such pains inside.

"A breakfast that could so offend  
I really cannot recommend."

Hisana has been growing pale --  
Perhaps it was the roasted quail.

Although her wedded lord forbade  
That any breakfast should be made  
Containing any sedative;  
The servants tending her he chose,  
Ensuring none of them were foes  
Or (what were worse) a relative;

Although he's swept her room three times,  
Removing hidden traps, he finds  
The ingenuity of his strange clan  
A bit too much for just one man.

Byakuya begins to worry.  
He thinks perhaps to move to Surrey.

Byakuya sits up -- a shout  
Has penetrated from without --

When he looks out the window, sees  
Great-Aunt Mayu on her knees.  
Uncle Yuudai bound with rope,  
Cousin Ryuu, quite without hope,  
Flailing in the little pond  
Of which Hisana is so fond.

Byakuya's wife composéd sits  
While his family, having fits  
Of loud repentance, bleat and whine,  
Apologising for the time  
They put explosives in her shrine.

They see now it was very wrong  
To go on for quite so long  
Bribing all her favourite maids.  
They really ought not to've said  
That they preferred her good and dead,  
Or conducted night-time raids.

They regretted scaling walls  
To hide sharp daggers in her shawls.

Byakuya said, with spousal pride,  
"I have my old sword just inside."

His gruesome meaning was quite clear:  
His family paled and shook with fear.

Hisana said, "No, thank you." She  
Did not think one's family  
Should be chopped up, sliced and diced,  
Soaked in sea-salt, served with rice;  
She had grown up on the street:  
Hence her nature was more sweet

Than her husband's. After all, he  
Was brought up as a Kuchiki.

Hisana's looking very well.  
Her in-laws say they've had a spell  
Of syphilis, or maybe 'flu  
And so they're visiting Peru.

If on some distant, later date,  
They ever feel it is their fate  
For them to return to the old estate,  
They're in for quite a big surprise.

(It's amazing how Hisana's  
Managed to fit all those piranhas  
In that small pond: it's done wonders  
For keeping off the summer flies.)

It might conceivably annoy  
Them to see how she's deployed  
The cherry trees as defensive weapons;  
And I think that they would find  
The pretty gravel path behind  
The garden not much fun to step on.

But Byakuya doesn't take it hard  
Though there are bombs in his backyard.

If you could see him with his wife  
You might think your family life  
Could do with a murderous aunt or three  
For they're as happy as they could be ....


End file.
